Deja Vu

Rings after Rings , giggles after giggles ,and endless soothing chats with no specific motive is one of the most fantastic ride , a person can get with a person u want to be. We all go through this. I've left my footprints and I don't want to leave any.

Damn ! I get the same thing as I got couple of years back , this time it seems more ugly but comfortable coz probably I m use to this type of situation .But, how long will I be vulnerable to this kind of situation? I mean c'mon I need to make my life stable n beautiful I can't be a shit pot for anybody , thinking they are good to me and live life for me!?!

The recent experience has left me numb but mood swings , and ego are popping out every second. I can't understand this and I don't want to discuss this entire thing either because it makes me feel ugly and I look down upon myself!

I blve I live a great life, with my wonderful parents n extended family and who can forget the amazing friends I've got ..they make my life live better. Do I really need a special someone to react ,second time? Probably, when everybody is busy with their significant I would want to. But, I am probably not the right person to get along normally with anyone.Quiet a demanding and execptional case I am .

I m a perfect crab. Hard outer shell and soft inner side.The one who understands my best ingredients will get my love.Or else I will go to the one , my parents ask me to.I am certainly not a metrosexual female .I am a feminist and am happy being by what I am supposed to be.I would be India's exeptional businesswoman who can't be tied with strings with anyone.

But, u know somewhere its bad to feel if the past comes back , and this time it has been a photocopy in phokat .Right now, I feel like doing some magic to my cell phone , that it starts buzzing again and things get normal.But, will that make me happy in future. I can't bully anyone.

Saying move on, is the coolest statement but doing that is the next tufff thing after topping maths paper for a commerce grad! Let me say last words...I will move on !

Burn the crackers...

Happy Diwali to all...

Its been couple of months, that I didn't blog about anything. The reason is, I was busy exploring my girl side ! Don't get starstruck! I actually had great time these 2 months.. I enjoyed the beauty of laughter , beauty of sleepless nights, beauty of being a female,beauty of exploring myself...it was a blessing. The spark was good , we connected , we liked to know each other , we were at our best..or may be not..may there was lot to be explored..

But..my liabilities really made me think of and pinch myself asking, 'what am I doing now?' Its not that will take me to my dreams , it will not let me be what I hv been waiting to be for last 23 years of my life..I have to be on my own, I have to pay debts of my parents ,I have to make them proud n happy and I have to live too many dreams..I can't stop by now..

I did nothing..to stop by though each day it was my wanderlust but I just could'nt give up the best thing I got in a draw! My each blink makes me think today..why am I not moving forward, when things have moved on?

The 'priceless' thing is no more with me...I sob , I think, I sob, I pretend, I get hyper moody,I get frust ,I sob this is what's happening to me after that. Btw..I nvr gave up that thing , it was taken away from me and given to somebody else..who actually dosen't deserve MY THING.

I wonder sometime..am I that bad or too good? I forgive and I am trying to forget but I can't put a mask for a long time..I can't pretend things are ok, when they are not..it frustrates me, suffocates me , make me feel like a begger ..

Hope..this diwali turns out good for everyone...n I'd always miss my thing...which is no more mine...

I thank all my frnds esp. anu,nisha,randip,swats,mik, for helping me ..being with me..but I still wrapped in it guys ..

Serendipity

Life has been cruel to me time n again but it has never been so beautiful and yet distressing at the same time. At the same time ,I m screwed badly in life. Things came to me in a flash and took away things from my hand..I don't regret for what is gone because I've got the best thing ever , in return of it.

For a month, I lived amazingly , enjoyed best moments of my life , explored a lil more about myself and what my closed ones think about me as an individual and how my past episodes can come in question , which were never ever complicated , but now they seem a bit.

I've got a wonderful gift in this past 1 month, it was a destiny gift to me or may be you can term it as a compensation to what Tsunami caused me 3-4 years back. I was happy , excited and feared. I couldn't understand why these things happening with me and they seem so destiny prone.

I took baby steps and then completely tried to blend my self into the enigma that came to me as my life compensation , with so many beauties wrapped with it.Yes, I lived it, the best part. But, somehow figured out later it isn't not for me may be, coz things started getting unrest as happiness got expanded the supply of troubles got increases day by day , it didn't quiet seem like destiny thing for a while but it was a DESTINY decision.

Now, when human mind fails , the suffering increases and you still want that thing in your life..u need to believe on something called 'SERENDIPITY' and I can do nothing but do the gambling again...that if its meant to be for me , destiny will make its way in my life again..

I realised within this one month , who are my real friends , how my life is programmed and how a small trojan can ruin me in a second , if I've no good advisory board :) Thankfully, I'd greta set of people with me who made me understand 'What are my needs'..thanks guys.. n bhai

To my reciever, I'd just say...it was amazing with u , I'd the best time with you, I am heartly sorry for my misdeed but from teh bottom of my heart say I would wanna be with when destiny wants us to be together..that's why its Serendipity......Thanks again... Cheers to life

Its my 23rd B'day!!!

Hey Hey..I've grown much older now...23 ! Phew..I can't blve but that's the fact :)

U know when year go by..u dont feel ur b'day is ne more special...once a frnd told me this, who completed his 30 years a year back! And, I laughed on his face...but today i realise his agitation n pain n watsoever..

So far, no even my best frnd like brother dint even wish me neither did my dad... and as I dont posses a bf so that corner is also not there...frnds are there but due to some friction last week everything depends on instincts..no probable plans for the days..also also some Grahan is there so after 5 Pm I can't party...and frankly speaking m not happy on my bday...I feel bored and neglected..and certainly I don't wish to party like daily I feel...this is how a person probably reacts when he's 23...

Thanks for the wishes of frnds n loved ones... :)

Khokho Epilouge - II

My visit to C.P alone , on the second day of my Delhi tour ,was a sure short worry for my family ,tauji ,R.D but I was sure my khokho but appreciate me for this treat to myself but surprisingly khokho had the voilent behaviour.And,he was fiting with me :(

I made it very snappy on the phone because I was afraid my parents would barge in on me right in the middle of it.They did'nt, though.Khokho is one person on earth I never fear telling things. I am very bindass with him coz he beleives in giving freedom and understand the desires n dream of a person , at least mine. He heard me a few minutes of my visit and then he started with his belching lessons.He did'nt like what I did.He was angry on me more than anybody could and then I started arguing like a teenage daughter to a dad!

He was about the best teacher I ever had.You could kid around with him without losing your respect for him.Though we both play Antakshari of some pathetic word with his consistent my favorite ringtone produced by him , that goes like 'hehehe hehehe hehehe' very rythemic!!

That night I called him later and said a sorry . The best part of him is ,he understands my impulsiveness coz he's also impulsive:P (haha) He admits though the level of impulsivness is more in me when compared with him. It can be true though no accurate results as of now!

Again, on Friday ie. 15 May 2009. I had to go to meet Swati , my friend from Bhopal.She called me the other night and asked if I can meet. I was very dicey ,should go or should not go.But , I was starving to meet my ppl and specially my female frnds. So, I heard my heart and lied my tauji and went ahead to meet her. And ,she called me at C.P at 1 PM!

At office I reach 9 AM so as I was lying at home . I did'nt go with R.D to office. I though I 'll take a direct bus to C.P from my area bus stop. But, a twist occured tauji is so protective of me , that he came down to bus stop to drop me and even come along till ofice. I somehow managed to stop him but it was tuff!!

So, I took a bus to 12-22 and then took another bus to C.P . I did'nt like the bus at all . Pathetic. In morning the rush is much that a destnation of 1 hour will take u 2.5 hours! Somehow , I reached cursing the bus I took. I reached at 11 Am and I still had 2 hours to meet Swati. I caled if she 's free before that, but she was'nt.

Incidentenlty, I saw Oxford Book House.And, books are my favourite so I was confident 2 hours will pass like that. Oxford was awesome , I enjoyed it.It was new for me and I preety much liked it. While readng books I met a girl and asked her about British Library ;friends in Bhopal asked me to visit BCL,Delhi.

I asked her and got to know it was near by. Her name was Kanika , completed her B.CoM from DU and was preparing for Civil Services. She was there with her fiance Ashish. They both told me about the near by places that I can visit and shop from. Near by was Janpat.

They both joined me to Janpat and helped me shopping .They both were cute and had immense of respect for each other. Hardly I c respect in a couple for each other. They both were great with me. And , they picked up stuff for me, bargained for me. No doubt, Ashish had a great choice of clothing, footwear and kanika was a master too. I had the best buy. Thanks guys!

After a couple of hours, Swati called me ,she was with her friends and was waiting for me at Janpat . I departed from kanika -ashish and promised to meet them again.

Eventually, was not fed up with Janpat and so was I. So, we took an auto and went to Lodhi Road. I so very much wanted to visit India habitat Centre . We went to Lodhi garden first, sat there for an hour , took some pics et al.

Then on my request , making faces all of us went to habitat centre and they kept sitting at one place there and I was roaming alone. But, that was fun and the rest of the part was not allowed as it was open only for Burocrats.

That part of Delhi is amazing ,I really loved it. We again took an auto and came back to C.P to head towards our destination . I left early ,without the Mc.D treat! Took a metro from C.P to Yamuna Bank this time. And ,then a direct metro feeder to my home. And, trust me this was easy to travel with.

Coming back, I called khokho to narrate him my trip . And, the first thing he asked ," why are u not in office today? " and then followed a huge lecture.He kicked me right -left for being so irresponsible , for having random fun trips, for missing office ,etc etc

My anger was then obvious. So, I again had a fight with him and banged the phone. I mean come on , khokho can't be like other fathers! He was just not ready to hear me out.And, that pissed me off big time. Later , I went to net cafe to access orkut :( met khokho and we started talking, then discussing, then arguing , then fighting and then a shortcircut ,followed by a White Flag by Khokho.

He's highly disappointed with me , and thinks I don't listen to him , I don't respect him. Its not like this khokho :(( I love u the most. I respect u ,heartly.But, I never thought u'd react in such a way. U have always supported me and always encourage me . I was not ready for such a reaction from u. I know I've hurt u. I am 1000 times sorry for it. Khokho... I am still the same. I am ur 'bachi'. And, we might have a fight for a day but in my heart I keep cursing myself for fiting with u...

Please, don't misunderstand me...I always listen to u and will keep doing. And, I am still the same. Sorry :( and love u always ,khokho

Detest to be a girl child !

I am very firm on writing about, me being a girl child . Recently , I have been so annoyed and disgusted with the people around ,who have not left a single opportunity to criticize me of being a girl child. That ,I hate the to be a girl child.I seriously do ,for very first time in life.


Why is life so crude and unfair being born as a girl child?

You can't do things , the best things in the world just because YOU ARE A GIRL !? I am a human after all. I have passion for other things ,which I've just read or heard or seen .But ,can never ever do it life ! How partial is this? I can never go alone on Bike Ride ,driving in the deep down valleys of Leh-Ladakh , Kashmir , and for that any place ! I can always ask my future hubby or the guy in my life to assist me in my ride , depends, whether he likes doing this or not. Otherwise, I will never be able to live it up this wish of mine fulfilled. Had I been a guy , this would have been a cakewalk for me like other guys or like my brothers do it !

Point 2: Being a girl is so very difficult for me , because I am not a person who can exhibit feminism ! I like to be free. Like a birdie. Caring about no single thing. And ,I call it life if I can do things ,that I like and want to do. At least, my people should never stop me doing things just coz I am girl ! And, I am very well aware of the experiences I'd while doing things that a girl should'nt have generally. People, do form a negative opinion about you and they don't wanna try you or they have no-good response towards.That's Gross !

Point 3: I cannot use some words or dialects or phrases or go alone after 6 pm to market ,just coz I am a girl ! What am I for? Are we living in some god damn conservative world? What you have to do with time or place or whatever?! Why can't you do things , just they way u like it ?!

Point 4: Why are you suppose to do the psuedogiri the other female in your family or in your relatives/friends have done? Why can't you just BE YOURSELF? Why your anger is mistaken often as crossing line of the honour and pride of your family? Why you have to be sophisticated and acting all the time , which you just don't want to !

Point 5: Why your every decision about life/career/ambitions is depended on others? Why are you always sympathised for being a girl?! @#$% And , why if any failure in your comes, is backed with the reason ..that 'you could have avoided , should have used brains to stop urself doing this n all,after all u r a GIRL! Girls ,don't do this. These things don't suit to girls' I guess ,then its better to live life as a bitch then as a girl ! At least , you will treated as a DOG only !


I don't know when my volcano will burst out..when I will fly as a bird in true sense ,caring of nothing ,not binded of any rules and regulations and of allegations . And, to live this life simply as a HUMAN .

And, if not in this life..I'd want to take birth as a boy. I love their freedom and they actually live life in true sense.They show real human spirit.Hats off to them for this.

Simplify, Simplify

'Our Lives are frittered away with detail ----simplify,simplify' -Anon

Disclaimer: Its a heavy duty product,read only when you WANT to understand.

It is crucial component of the whole distraction \capitalist system that as individuals we remain suffeciently confused that we continually are in search of things that gives us satisfaction/answers/happiness.

One of the seredipitous benefits of getting to know yourself and developing self-confidence is that you gain a much better idea of what you need as opposed to what you want. You understand the difference between 'nice to have' and 'must have'.

Knowing your point in life means that you can evaluate decisions on the basis of whether or not they enhance your ability to get to your point or not. The benefit of this is that you no longer need to earn money to buy stuff that is ultimately useless to you. The benefit of noy needing to earn money this money is that it reduces your level of indenture to the system and gives you more freedom of choice.

In addition, it is not just physical objects that clutter our lives but unnecessary activities and ideas as well. Our time and energy are limited resources;if ..we are wise we can learn to use them well and not to waste them..but sunta kaun hai??!!??

Although, at some level we all are simply seeking to be happy.Happiness seems like the end of the rainbow--something you can see and vaguely understand but never truly experince.But, I do feel happiness and even euphoria when it comes..and lol will have to confess I am addicted to short-term happiness,in life.

I dont know what the next moment will be..whether more monsoon fury, or Taj Mahal being listed in the Seven Wonders List, or a call from some old beloved friends ,or Princess Diana coming back to life on her 46th Birthday...but for me , it will something..I had never done before..because from now I will be living an authentic life. In other words, steps to take to find out who am I and what I want from life and finally spending every waking hour doing what I love!